The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Previous Issues
Issue 127 September 12, 2005
Patriots Begin Another Joyless, Inevitable Super Bowl Campaign
Barry Bonds To Return; Pedro Gomez Taken Out of Cryogenic Storage
Roger Federer Injects Testicle With Cancer in Desperate Bid For Stateside Media Coverage
Twins Fan Starting To Think It Might Actually Be the White Sox's Year
Issue 126 August 29, 2005
Bob Geldof Organizes Worldwide Concert to Get Roger Clemens Some Run Support
"Yep, You Got Me! I Hate Black People," Admits Jeff Kent
Fantasy Football Player No Longer Fooling Self Into Thinking He Isn't a Nerd
Issue 125 August 22, 2005
Brady, Moss Revelations Inspire Other NFL Starts to Come Clean
Roger Federer Decides To Start Playing Left-Handed
Stephen King Named Red Sox Closer
Jim Rome Every Bit As Annoying With the Sound Off
Issue 124 August 15, 2005
T.O., Andy Reid Reportedly No Longer BFFs
Phil Mickelson Finally Sheds Dubious "Best Player Never to Win Two Majors" Label
Image of Dale Earnhardt Appears in Oil Stain on Garage Floor
Issue 123 August 8, 2005
Rafael Palmeiro Finally Getting National Media Coverage
Nick Saban Keeps Harshing Ricky Williams' Buzz
CDC Goes On Record Opposing NBA All-Star Game in Las Vegas
X-Games Star Buys Mom a New House, Moves Into Basement
Issue 122 July 25, 2005
Bush Sidesteps Potential Confirmation Fight By Nominating Lance Armstrong to Supreme Court
Sports Columnist Incinerated By Lightning Blast After Criticizing Brett Favre
Weight Bench Sits Neglected For Ninth Straight Week
Eight-Year-Old Denies Twisting Ankle, Refuses To Admit Dad Was Right About Not Pitching Like Dontrelle Willis
Issue 121 July 18, 2005
Bumper Sticker Depicting Calvin Peeing on Jack Nicklaus Spotted on Tiger's Car
News of NHL Agreement Reminds Sports Fan That NHL Was Gone
Sean Penn Shows Up at ESPYs, Gives Sanctimonious Speech, Bums Everybody Out
USC Alum Outraged That USC Mini-Helmet Not Among Those Available In SkyMall Catalog
Issue 120 July 11, 2005
2012 London Olympics Drop Baseball and Softball, Add "Racial Profiling"
Palmeiro Set To Join Eddie Murray as the Only Two 3,000 Hit/500 Home Run Guys That Your Mom Hasn't Heard Of
Nike Rolls Out New "Kobe: He's Not as Bad as Michael Jackson" Ad Campaign
Vikings Fan Feels Really, Really Bad About Being Kind of Glad Hank Stram Finally Died
Issue 119 July 4, 2005
Michael Vick Given Separate Drinking Fountain at NFL Quarterback Club
Kenny Rogers Claims He Was Just Upset Cameraman Wasn't Getting His "Good Side"
Shawn Bradley to Retire, Bucks Draft Andrew Bogut to Fill the Void
Issue 118 June 27, 2005
Spurs Win NBA Title After Commissioner Mandates That Somebody Has To
Nation's Media Contemplate Right Time to Start Sexualizing Michelle Wie
Existence of Washington Nationals Explained to Girlfriend
Golfer's Mom Considers Son "Notable," No Matter What ESPNews Says
Issue 117 June 20, 2005
Jackson Returns as Lakers Head Coach
Tiger Woods' Major Championship Drought Continues
Dodgers GM DePodesta To Try "Moneysurgery" Approach on Gagne's Elbow
Guy's Buddies Dare Him To Give Evander Holyfield Crap About "Dancing with the Stars"
Issue 116 June 6, 2005
Some Guy You've Never Heard Of Wins Sixth Consecutive French Open
Shaq Offers To Pay For Kobe's Funeral
Fantasy Baseball Owner "Calls Out" Under-Performing Team
NASCAR Fan Pretty Sure He Could Wipe That Smirk Off Tony Stewart's Face
Issue 115 May 30, 2005
Media Embarrassed To Admit It Has No Idea Who Actually Won Indy 500
A-Rod To Reveal He Also Cries During Beaches, Wets Bed
French Open Participant Didn't Realize He'd Be Getting That Red Crap All Over Him
Rec League Softball Team Apparently Willing To Win That Way
Issue 114 May 23, 2005
Afleet Alex Roughs Up Randy Johnson and Yankees as Interspecies Play Resumes
Shaquille O'Neal Revealed To Be Perfectly Healthy, Faking Injury So He Can Stand In Line For "Star Wars"
Author Michael Lewis Scraps Plans For Moneyball Sequel
Uncle Regrets Boasting About How Good He Is At Volleyball
Issue 113 May 16, 2005
MLB Investigation Determines That Barry Bonds Has Inherited the "Curse of the Bambino"
Annika Sorenstam Wins Tournament She Completely Forgot She Entered
People Who Say "Junior Griffey" Still Annoying To Baseball Fan
Miami Heat Team Plane Crashes Under Weight of Shaquille O'Neal's "Original Whizzinator"
Issue 112 May 9, 2005
Steinbrenner Has Kevin Brown Turned Into Glue, Bellamy Road Sent to Minors in Embarrassing Clerical Mixup
Al-Qaeda Scraps Plans To Attack Pacers - Pistons Series; "We're Scared What Might Happen," Say Terrorists
Baseball Introduces Clarified, Latin-Friendly Anti-Steroid Campaign
Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton Protest NBA MVP Voting
Issue 111 May 2, 2005
A-Rod Burns Atlanta to the Ground in an Effort to Prove He's a "True Yankee"
Lou Piniella Killed in Drive-By Beanballing as Red Sox-Devil Rays Feud Escalates
Bulls Forward Andres Nocioni Arrested in Washington, DC for Threatening to Elbow the President
NASCAR Fan Puts Restrictor Plate on Teenage Daughter
Issue 110 April 25, 2005
No. 2 Draft Pick Ronnie Brown Unmasked, Revealed to be Ryan Leaf
Cardinals Elect Albert Pujols as New Pope
Mark Cuban Adds Himself to Mavericks Playoff Roster
Entire University of North Carolina Student Body Declares for NBA Draft
Issue 109 April 18, 2005
Gary Sheffield to Fight William Ligue on Pay-Per-View
Vladimir Guerrero's Batting Helmet Found to be Nothing More Than a Solid Wad of Pine Tar
Mock Draft Mocked
Dick Bavetta, Eric Gregg, Phil Luckett Assigned To Work Last Two Cavaliers Games
Issue 108 April 11, 2005
Tiger Woods Barely Wins The Masters
Philadelphia Fans Unanimously Agree: Even We'd Never Boo Mariano Rivera
Asshole From 8th Grade Digs Bulls Jersey Out of Storage
Redskins QB Tim Hasselbeck Now Third Most Famous Person In His Immediate Family
Issue 107 April 5, 2005
Michael Jordan Unretires Yet Again, Leads North Carolina to National Championship
Congress, Major League Baseball Admit Steroid Scandal Was Huge April Fools Prank
Basketball Fan Peed Right Next To at Wide-Open Bank of Urinals
Exhaustive Search Turns Up Gutsy Colorado High School Athlete Not Yet Profiled by Rick Reilly
Issue 106 March 29, 2005
Barry Bonds Hires Violinist to Follow Him Around and Play Sad Music
Michigan State Deprives Nation's Basketball Fans of Weekend Full of Ashley Judd Cutaway Shots
Jim Haslett's Steroid Allegations Shock Football Fans Too Young to Remember Lyle Alzado
Sam Cassell Lands First-Ever Groupie
Issue 105 March 21, 2005
Wisconsin-Milwaukee Players Disturb Coaches, Fans By Actually Dressing Like Cinderella
Mark McGwire Refuses to Confirm, Deny Having Played For the Cardinals
Basketball Fan's Girlfriend Loudly Clears Throat Every Time an NCAA Player's Wife is Shown in Stands
Wounded Nation Vows Never Again to Pick Gonzaga for Final Four
Issue 104 March 14, 2005
Guy Who Travels with Stanley Cup Suddenly Has to Find a Real Job
Congress Subpoenas Roy Hobbs
ESPN Granted Exclusive Use of Word "Bubble"
Man Who Gave Away 1980 Olympic Hockey Tickets Finally Breaks Silence
Issue 103 March 7, 2005
U.S. Government to Allow Profiling of People in Number 18 Oakland Raiders Jerseys
Angels Name Change Works Completely as City of Los Angeles Abandons Dodgers
Arizona Cardinals Staff Hard at Work Designing God-Awful New Uniforms
Bubble Team Coach's Family Constantly Reassuring Him Team Belongs in Tournament
Issue 102 March 1, 2005
New England Patriots Somehow Win Best Picture Oscar
John Chaney Reacts to Suspension By Breaking Temple President's Arm
Allen Iverson, LeBron James Swap Posses at Trading Deadline
WWE Referee Becomes Distracted, Misses Blatant Rules Violations
Issue 101 February 21, 2005
NASCAR Fans Can't Decide If Latest Daytona 500 Win Makes Jeff Gordon More of a Homo or Less of a Homo
Mickey Morandini Retroactively Named 1998 National League MVP
Gretzky, Lemieux Turn Attention to Uncanceling Wonderfalls
New Kid From Europe Disappoints Classmates By Sucking at Basketball
Issue 100 February 14, 2005
Jose Canseco Drafted, Sent To Iraq
Bill Belichick Discovers Cure For Locker Room Cancer
Ben Roethlisberger Finally Gets Out of Bed, Eats Something
Andy Reid Shows Up To Coach NFC Pro Bowl Squad Out of Habit
Issue Ninety-Nine February 7, 2005
Adam Vinatieri's Mom Keeps Pointing Out That He Technically Made the Game-Winning Field Goal Again
Whoopi Goldberg Hired As Lakers Head Coach
NFL Sends Cease and Desist Letter To Owner of "The Superb Owl" Supper Club
Paul Tagliabue's State of the NFL Address Interrupted By Applause 74 Times
Issue Ninety-Eight January 31, 2005
Eagles Bring In Mr. Miyagi To Fix Terrell Owens' Ankle
Bill Belichick Forbids Patriots To Mention Dynasty, Watch "Dynasty"
NHL Goons Sent To Police Iraqi Elections
New Softball Pants Disturbingly Tight
Issue Ninety-Seven January 24, 2005
Tony Parker Joins Cast of "Desperate Housewives"
Nation's Conservative Republicans Beside Themselves Over Eagles-Patriots Super Bowl Matchup
Sportswriter Scared To Admit He Doesn't Find Maria Sharapova All That Hot
NHL Admits Lockout Was Just a Ploy To Skip Right To Playoffs
Issue Ninety-Six January 17, 2005
Donovan McNabb's Mom Runs For Two Touchdowns in Win Over Vikings
Baseball Announces New Steroids Policy: Steroids To Be Allowed, Encouraged
USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett Seen Standing Outside Matt Leinart's Window Holding Up Boombox
Randy Johnson Runs Amok in Downtown Manhattan, Brought Down By Old-Timey Airplanes
Issue Ninety-Five January 10, 2005
LSU's National Championship Trophy Taken Away, Given To USC
Young Sports Fan Wonders Why, Exactly, He Shouldn't Emulate Randy Moss
NBA Players Pledge $1,000 Per Illegitimate Child for Tsunami Relief
New Number, "Yanktillion," Devised to Refer to Yankees Payroll
Issue Ninety-Four January 3, 2005
Mike Tice Justifies Contract Extension By Leading Vikings Triumphantly Into Playoffs
Gary Bettman Expects Public to Start Missing Hockey Any Day Now
Issue Ninety-Three December 27, 2004
'Porter Person of the Year
Significance of Kobe, Shaq Matchup Under-appreciated By Aunts, Grandma
Issue Ninety-Two December 20, 2004
Eagles Clinch Another Chance to Break Fans' Hearts in Most Painful Way Possible
Barry Zito Now Insisting On Being Called "The Big One"
Jeff Gordon's Sexuality Called Into Question by Bumper Sticker
Karl Malone Complicates Situation Further By Hitting on Kobe Bryant's Daughter
Issue Ninety-One December 13, 2004
Matt Leinart Denies Winning Heisman Trophy to Dolphins, 49ers
Major League Baseball Players Union Goes After Hooker to Get Denny Neagle's 40 Bucks Back
Mike Tice's Job In Danger as Vikings Look For Bigger, Fatter Coach
Other Sportswriters' Sentimental Books Far Less Successful Than Mitch Albom's
Issue Ninety December 6, 2004
Remaining Two Black Division I Football Coaches Realize They Can Do Anything They Want
Family, Friends Pretend To Be Surprised at Jason Giambi Steroid Revelations
BCS Reaches Compromise: Auburn to Get NFC Wild Card Berth
Latest "NHL 2005" Video Game Really Boring
Issue Eighty-Nine November 29, 2004
Guy At Work Now Denying He Ever Picked Seahawks To Reach Super Bowl
NCAA Punter Underwhelmed By Caliber of Groupie He Got This Season
One Dude Way Too Invested in Outcome of Pickup Basketball Game
Husband Heroically Resists Urge to Critique Wife's Golf Swing
Issue Eighty-Eight November 22, 2004
Ron Artest Outburst Shocks This One Lady Who Lives in Montana and Doesn't Follow Basketball
"Destiny's Child" Singer Kelly Rowland to Switch Roy Williamses
Guy at Work Finds Out Hot Receptionist is From San Antonio, Starts Reading Up on the Spurs
5th Grader Wide Open On, Like, Last Five Plays
Issue Eighty-Seven November 15, 2004
Maurice Clarett Alleges Counterfeit Helmet Sticker Operation at Ohio State
Ron Artest Demands Not Only a Vacation, But a Wacky Vacation With Chevy Chase
Randall Gay Jerseys Not Selling as Well as Patriots Had Hoped
Peyton Manning On a Pace to Win as Many Super Bowls as Dan Marino
Issue Eighty-Six November 8, 2004
Steelers Get Past Undefeated Eagles, Will Take On Rocky Marciano Next
NBA Opens Season, Is Accused of "Showing Off" By NHL
Rec League Softball Team Breaks Dreaded "Curse of Steve"
Bush Reelected, Expos To Stay the Hell in Canada
Issue Eighty-Five November 2, 2004
2004 Election Plunges Into Chaos as Ben Roethlisberger Wins Pennsylvania
Tony LaRussa Finally Starting To Look Kind of Old
Schilling Endorses Bush, Schilling's Bloody Sock Endorses Kerry
High School Football Career Parlayed Into County Commissioner Gig
Issue Eighty-Four October 25, 2004
George Stienbrenner Fires Ghost of Babe Ruth
Presidential Election To Be Decided Using BCS Format
St. Louis Cardinals Reach World Series, Become Slightly More "Storied"
Boston Sports Fans Desperately Missing Bruins Hockey
Issue Eighty-Three October 18, 2004
Patriots Show Up at Fenway Park, Defeat Yankees 21-3
NFL Will Allow Jake Plummer to Honor Pat Tillman Through Interpretive Dance
Scientists, Theologians Debate Existence of 2004 NLCS
Local Newspaper Photographer's Roll of Film Mostly Just Same Hot Volleyball Player
Issue Eighty-Two October 11, 2004
Bush Adds Yankees to "Axis of Evil"
Steelers Fan So Into Ben Roethlisberger That He Now Considers Himself "Bi-Curious"
Poor, Pitiful New England Sports Fans Suffer Through Patriots' Record Winning Streak
Last Time High School Football Coach Checked, Game Was Four Quarters Long
Issue Eighty-One October 4, 2004
Dale Earnhardt, Jr. To Star In "Ghost Dad 2"
Twins, Angels Selfishly Opt To Compete In Playoffs
LSU Falters In Attempt To Defend Fake National Championship
Attempt To Explain American League Playoff Scenarios Leads To New Marriage's First Fight
Issue Eighty September 27, 2004
Jewish Red Sox Fan Refuses To Heckle Yankees On Yom Kippur
Dolphins Beg Ricky Williams to Come Back, Offer Him "All the Pot He Wants"
White Sox Still Better Than Twins, White Sox Feel
Olympic Sailing Gold Medalist Sort of Thought He'd Be Recognized Out In Public More Often
Issue Seventy-Nine September 20, 2004
Barry Bonds Joins 700 Club, "700 Club"
Purchase of Deion Sanders Ravens Jersey Regretted
Locked Out NHL Goalie Seen Wandering Around Neighborhood, Asking People If They Need Anything Blocked
Really Dumb Guy Looking Forward To "Hustle" On ESPN
Issue Seventy-Eight September 13, 2004
Joe Gibbs Surges Ahead of Bush, Kerry In Latest Polls
Ricky Williams, Like, Totally Forgets To Watch Dolphins' Opener
Japanese Baseball Players Promise More Efficient, Streamlined, Practical Strike
Issue Seventy-Seven September 6, 2004
GOP Protesters Get On Wrong Train, End Up at Shea, Beat Mets 5-2
Clubhouse Wall Files Civil Suit Against Kevin Brown
Michael Schumacher Revealed To Be the Only Formula One Driver
Issue Seventy-Six August 30, 2004
Spain's Inigo Montoya Wins Olympic Fencing Gold
Paul Hamm Keeps Gold Medal; Mia Hamm Gives Hers To That Korean Guy
NCAA Leaves Flaming Bag of Poop on Mike Williams' Doorstep, Just To Rub It In
Iraqi Soccer Team Loses Bronze Medal Game, Tortures Itself Out of Habit
Issue Seventy-Five August 23, 2004
Team USA Captures Olympic Football Gold
Guy At Work Decides He Could Probably Beat Up Ichiro
Little League Star Tests Positive For Boogers
USA Men's Basketball Team Now Kind of Hoping al-Qaeda Does Something To the Olympics
Issue Seventy-Four August 9, 2004
Life of US Olympic Swimmer Michael Phelps Dangerously Low on Adversity, NBC Executives Fear
Greg Maddux Becomes First Nerd To Win 300 Games
"I Could Have Convinced Top NBA Stars To Play In Olympics," John Kerry Claims
Issue Seventy-Three August 2, 2004
Nomar Shocked To Learn His First Name Contains "R" Sound
Exhausted Kellen Winslow II Helped Away From Contract Negotiations
Stoudemire, James, Iverson Blow Off Team Meeting to See "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle"
Issue Seventy-Two July 27, 2004
Doping Allegations Intensify as Lance Armstrong Wins Tour de France On Foot
Yankees Sign "Jeopardy!" Guy
Kirk Gibson Shows Up, Ruins Dennis Eckersley's Hall of Fame Induction
Issue Seventy-One July 19, 2004
Athletic Reporter Exclusive: British Open Champ Todd Hamilton Not the Guy From That Gay Movie
Al-Qaeda Planning To Attack Gymnastics, Yachting, Equestrian Olympic Teams; Not So Much Boxing, Judo, Pistol Shooting Teams
Kobe Buys Shaq's Wife Giant Diamond Ring To Apologize For Running Her Husband Out of Town
Issue Seventy July 12, 2004
Lakers Hire Rudy Tomjanovich, Cancel "Kermit Washington Night"
Bald Bull Eyes Return To the Ring
Issue Sixty-Nine July 5, 2004
Saddam Arrives at Arena From Court Proceedings Just In Time to Lead Baghdad Lakers to Playoff Victory
Kevin Mench Wonders If Any of His 242,794 All-Star Voters Were Super-Hot Chicks
Andy Roddick Serve Actually Goes Right Through a Guy
"Krzyzewski" Pronounced For Wife
Issue Sixty-Eight June 28, 2004
Al-Qaeda To Help Complete Olympic Stadium in Athens
Brazelton Flirts With No-Hitter, Baldelli Flirts With Uggo
Cast of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Hired to Make Fun of Clippers Draft Picks
Issue Sixty-Seven June 21, 2004
Lakers Complain About Officiating, Receive Additional Championship Trophy Like Those Canadian Figure Skaters From the Olympics
Issue Sixty-Six June 14, 2004
Stanley Cup Retires To Florida
Japanese Americans Blindsided, Caught Completely Off Guard By Parcells Comments
Al-Qaeda Now Planning To Attack NBA Stars at Home During Olympics, "Just to Screw With 'Em"
Fox Network To Air "World Series of Baseball"
Issue Sixty-Five June 7, 2004
Smarty Jones Wins National Spelling Bee
Governors of California, Michigan Place Friendly Wager on NBA Finals
Soccer Movie Hinges on Low Scoring Tie
Issue Sixty-Four May 31, 2004
Indianapolis 500 Held Indoors Due To Rain
Diamondbacks Announcers Fined By FCC For Referring To Randy Johnson As "The Big Unit"
Entire Lakers Team To Arrive From Eagle County Courthouse Just In Time For Tipoff From Now On
Guy At Mall Food Court Totally Edgar Renteria
Issue Sixty-Three May 25, 2004
Fans, Friends and Family Mourn Sammy Sosa Following Tragic Sneezing Death
Weapons of Mass Destruction Found at Kevin Garnett's House
Tom Coughlin Presents Single Red Rose to Kurt Kittner During Tearful Finale of "The Quarterback"
Issue Sixty-Two May 17, 2004
Kobe Bryant Shows Up At Legal Hearing In Basketball Uniform In Hilarious Mixup
Moises Alou's Teammates Not Dropping It Like They Promised They Would
Roy Jones, Jr. Receives, Pound-For-Pound, Best Beating In the World
Satan Purchases David Stern's Soul In Exchange For Derek Fisher's Shot Going In
New NASCAR Schedule Angers Members Of Lowest Tax Brackets
Referees Allow Pistons and Nets To Have Game 5 Outside
Issue Sixty-One May 10, 2004
Barry Bonds To Play Remainder Of Season In Shrek Outfit
Photo of Reggie Miller In Pacers Locker Room Ages Another Couple Years
New Record Should Be "Most Home Runs By a Straight Catcher," Piazza Insists
San Antonio's Devin Brown Demands Cool Short Nickname Like All the Foreign Guys Have
Steinbrenner Orders All Yankee Pitchers To Turn 41
College Student Hopes There's Some Timberwolves Questions On the Final
Issue Sixty May 4, 2004
Bush Trades A-Rod To Iraq
Jayson Williams Found Not Guilty of Killing That Guy He Killed
Minneapolis/St. Paul Metro Area Descends Into Madness Following Timberwolves' First Ever Playoff Series Win
NHL To Lockout Early If San Jose, Tampa Bay Face Each Other In Stanley Cup Finals
NBA Commemorates 25th Anniversary of Heat/Hornets First Round Playoff Series
Pro Wrestler Denied Patent On Finishing Move
Issue Fifty-Nine April 26, 2004
Chargers Draft Ryan Leaf's Little Brother Over Peyton Manning's Little Brother
Actor Jim Caviezel Now Refusing To Play Anyone Who Wasn't the Best Ever
Father Of Junior High Girls Basketball Standout Absolutely Thinks WNBA Will Be Around When She Graduates College
Phil Mickelson's Green Jacket Starting To Reek; Wife Begs Him To Take It Off
Greg Maddux Diagnosed With "Cub Germs"
Guy Actually Believes Newborn Daughter Is a Phillies Fan
Issue Fifty-Eight April 19, 2004
Donald Trump, Johnny Damon to Swap Hairdos During Sweeps
Garret Anderson Signs Incredibly Boring Contract Extension
Mel Kiper, Jr. Resented Heavily Within Draft Guru Community
Lakers Hold Switch-Flipping Ceremony Prior to NBA Playoffs
New Kid Picked First For Kickball Clearly Can't Handle the Pressure
Basketball Fan Had Been Under the Impression That He Was Done With Bill Raftery
Issue Fifty-Seven April 12, 2004
Dan Marino Wins Masters, Captures First Major Championship At Long Last
Barry Bonds Vows to Break Records of Mays, Ruth, Aaron, Wilt Chamberlain
St. Louis Blues Make 25th Consecutive Pointless Playoff Appearance
Summer Olympics Moved To Athens, Georgia
Connecticut Man Wins Both Men's and Women's NCAA Office Pool
Good Basketball Hogged
Issue Fifty-Six April 5, 2004
Freshman Sensation LeBron James Leads Cincinnati to NCAA Title in Alternate Reality
Detroit Tigers Acquire Ugueth Urbina, Rest of 2003 Marlins
Wide Receivers March on Washington for End Zone Celebration Rights
Iraqi Olympic Coach Dresses Up as Uday Hussein in Hilarious April Fools Prank
Paul Hornung's Comments Attacked With Straight Face By Affirmative Action Proponents
Caddying Not Like It Is In "Caddyshack," Reports New Caddy
Issue Fifty-Five March 29, 2004
Billy Packer, Phil Martelli Fight To the Death at Halftime of Wake Forest-St. Joseph's Game
Steinbrenner Signs Agassi Away From Red Sox Despite Front Office Misgivings
Soccer Prodigy Freddy Adu, 14, Already Not Cared About By Majority of Americans
Coworkers Fully Aware That Woman Went to Duke and Georgia Tech
Todd McFarlane Buys Syringe Barry Bonds Used During 73 Home Run Season
Clean-Cut Young White Male Miraculously Wins ESPN's "Dream Job"
Issue Fifty-Four March 22, 2004
Alabama, UAB Basketball Teams Arrested, Charged With 2.5 Million Counts of Bracket Busting
Fantasy Baseball Enthusiast Fantasizing About Joe Mauer a Little Too Much
Keyshawn Johnson, Bill Parcells Tearfully Reunited at Dallas Airport
Roommate Swears He's Only Watching Women's Basketball Tournament Because His Cousin Goes to Baylor
Laid-Back, Easygoing Philly Fans Looking Forward To Terrell Owens' Antics
Basketball Chick Who Turned Back on Flag During Anthem Totally Forgotten About
Issue Fifty-Three March 15, 2004
College Basketball Fan Swears Chris Duhon Has Been At Duke For Like 9 Years
Todd Bertuzzi Captured In Spider Hole
NBA: NCAA Champion To Get Eastern Conference Playoff Berth
White Guy at Work Picks Gonzaga For Final Four Again
New Girlfriend "On the Bubble"
Font Size Shrunken to Limit as Virginia Commonwealth Secures NCAA Tournament Bid
Issue Fifty-Two March 8, 2004
Kobe Bryant Whistled For Foul; Lawyers Demand To Know Referee's Sexual History
Guy Walking By Team Headquarters Installed As Broncos New Running Back
Pro Wrestler Denied Patent On Finishing Move
DVD Version of 2003 ALCS To Be Released With Alternate Ending
ESPN Classic Passes Yet Another Clippers-Free Week
109 Percent Given
Issue Fifty-One March 1, 2004
Jason Giambi Claims He Lost All That Weight "Washing Jeff Kent's Truck"
Athens To Begin Olympic Preparations "In Just a Minute"
Knicks, Rangers Fire Wilkins, Sather; Teams To Be Coached By Fan Chants
Terrell Owens, Jeff Garcia Married At San Francisco City Hall
76ers Score Not Checked During Oscar Party
Accenture Match Play World Championship Office Pool Fails To Generate Much Interest
Issue Fifty February 23, 2004
Colorado Tourism Board Unveils New "Come to Colorado: You Probably Won't Get Raped By an Athlete" Campaign
Yankees Sign "She Bangs" Guy From "American Idol"
Vijay Singh Marries Swedish Blonde Way Hotter Than Tiger's Fiancee
NBA Postpones Sunday's Games In Honor of "Sex and the City" Finale
NFL General Manager Secretly Has No Clue What "Franchise Player" Means
NFL Introduces New Rule; Teams Must Now Interview At Least One White Cornerback Before Drafting Black Guy
Issue Forty-Nine February 16, 2004
Barry Bonds Shrivels Down to 114 Pounds Following Trainer's Steroid Bust
Cheers Gang Pulls Elaborate "A-Rod to Yankees" Prank on Sam Malone
NASCAR Fan Suffers Through Death-Free Daytona 500
Lennox Lewis Gets First Retirement Out of the Way
Kenyon Martin's Posse Wins "Posse Game" During All-Star Festivities
Madden 2004 Enthusiast Way Too Proud of Made Up Team
Issue Forty-Eight February 9, 2004
New Russian Film "Mirakøl" Chronicles 1972 Olympic Basketball Upset
Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson, Four Others Voted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame
Massachusetts Supreme Court Upholds Maurice Clarett's Right to Gay Marriage
Joe Montana's Wife Now Comparing Tom Brady to Joe Montana
Janet Jackson's Boob Gets Own CBS Sitcom
NFL To Leave Ray Lewis Miked Up 24/7
Issue Forty-Seven February 2, 2004
Adam Vinatieri Kicks Winning Field Goal, Ascends To Heaven
Pudge Admits He Began Negotiations With Tigers As a Cruel Hoax, Then Fell In Love
Young Sports Fan Without Cable Celebrates Weekend of Boobs and Swearing
NASCAR Fans Protest New Points System; Need "Book Learnin'" To Follow It, Detractors Claim
Straight Guy "Shushed" During Super Bowl Commercial
"Friends" Finale Shocker: Rachel Hooks Up With Peja Stojakovic
Issue Forty-Six January 26, 2004
Patriots Getting Tons of Respect, Doubted By No One
New Rangers GM Isiah Thomas Trades For Jaromir Jagr
Howard Dean Debuts "Grappling Governor" Character at WWE Royal Rumble
New Jersey Nets Moved to Brooklyn, Stolen
Kobe Bryant Plays Utah Jazz, Race Card
With No Football, Desperate Gambler Bets on Australian Open
Issue Forty-Five January 19, 2004
Tom Brady Wins AFC Title, Iowa Caucus
Michael Jordan Comes Out of Retirement To Pitch For Houston Astros
John McEnroe Admits To Taking "Least Effective Steroids Ever"
Husband Convinces Wife "Along Came Polly" Looks Good, She Sees It, He Watches Playoffs in Peace
Michelle Wie Receives Congratulatory Phone Call From Roman Polanski
Whiny Malcontent Lakers Fan Has Nightmare Where He Roots For Hawks, Wakes Up Grateful
Issue Forty-Four January 12, 2004
Pete Rose Demands Hall of Fame Plaque: "Me Wants the Precious," Hisses All-Time Hit King
Recent World Champion Signs Baseball's Best Player, No One Cares
Redskins Bring Back Joe Gibbs, Bears Bring Back Cardboard Cutout of George Halas
Electric Football Christmas Present Stashed In Closet, Forgotten About
Coworker Actually Brags About Being Good at Tetherball
Cardinals' Hiring of Dennis Green Creates Perfect Storm of Sports Hatred For Vikings Fan
Issue Forty-Three January 5, 2004
Following Favre's Inspirational Performances, Manning's Teammates Convince Him His Dad Died
Pete Rose Admits To Betting On Baseball, Yao Ming Admits To Being Tall
LSU Celebrates Not Having To Play USC
College Basketball Fan Still Wants To Call It "Pennzoil at the Half"
Newlywed Husband Warned Wife About NFL Playoffs
Spazzy, Unathletic Son Gets Sports Stuff For Christmas Again
Issue Forty-Two December 29, 2003
2003 'Porter Person of the Year
Michael Finley Not Arrested
Sister's New Fiancee Throws Weird
Gen-Xer Disappointed In Real-Life "All Valley Karate Championship"
White Sox Fan Jealous of Red Sox Fans
Twins Fan Celebrates 50th Viewing of "Little Big League" On Showtime
Craig Ehlo Really Hoping Michael Jordan Stays Retired This Time
Issue Forty-One December 22, 2003
MLB Players' Union Voids A-Rod's Cell Phone Contract
Eagle County D.A. To Load Jury With Celtics Fans
Eight-Year-Old Not Fooled By Dad's Tales of "Dennis Rodman"
YES Network To Debut Saturday Morning Program "Yankee Babies"
Pete Rose Inducts Himself Into Pete Rose Hall of Fame
ESPN's "SportsCentury and Beyond" Clearly Running Low On Ideas
Oakland Woman Not Sure If She's Dating Mulder, Hudson or Zito
Issue Forty December 15, 2003
Saddam Arrested At Arizona Cardinals Game; Former Dictator Figured "No One Ever Comes To Those"
Rasheed Wallace Blasts NBA As "Unfair To Psychotic Potheads"
"Coyotes Shut Down Dallas" Headline In Newspaper Prompts Concerned Call From Grandmother
Fantasy Football Owner Rests Starters For Playoffs
Oklahoma's Jason White Finishes Third In Heisman Voting, Awarded Trophy Anyway
Issue Thirty-Nine December 8, 2003
Baylor Sues BCS For Sugar Bowl Berth: "We Lost To Kansas State By 28 Points, Too," Say Bears
Kim Clijsters Buys, Moves To Deserted Pacific Island; Will Play For Nation Of "Fila" In 2004 Olympics
Athlete Clearly Misunderstands the Definition of "Literally"
David Stern $2 Short At Burger King, Fines Mark Cuban $2
Running Back Delights White Sportscasters By Handing Ball To Official After Scoring
Patrick Ewing, Jr. Highlight On Sports Center Leads 28-Year-Old To Ponder Own Mortality
Issue Thirty-Eight December 2, 2003
Michael Jackson Molests John Madden's Thanksgiving "Turducken"
Frank Solich Explains Inferior Record: "Nebraska Nothing But White People," Fired Coach Says
Marvin Lewis Hired To Coach Los Angeles Clippers
Annual Backyard Snow Football Game Rendered Awkward By New Step-Cousin
Girlfriend Unimpressed By Stephon Marbury Sighting At Airport
Bobby Knight Awfully Quiet Lately
Modified Stableford Scoring Applied to Blind Date
Issue Thirty-Seven November 24, 2003
Keyshawn Johnson Cleans Out Locker, Forgets Notebook
Jay-Z Buys New Jersey Nets, Renames Them New Jizzle Nizzle
Olympics To Allow Transsexuals By 2004; "Rogette Clemens" Tries Out For US Softball Team
Dolphins' Orange Jerseys Cause Aging Bruce Smith To Think He's Playing Clemson
Purdue Fan Can't Help Picturing Sex With Gene Keady
Bill Romanowski Tests Positive For Everything
Issue Thirty-Six November 17, 2003
President Bush Makes Bengals' Chad Johnson White House Press Secretary
Estate of "Gentleman Jim" Corbett Sues Stallone over "Rocky" Movies
Garry Kasparov Defeats Chess Computer By Pouring Diet Coke On Keyboard
Japanese Bomb Pearl Harbor Again In Retaliation For Matsui Snubs
MLB Gets Tough, Does Away With Take-Home Steroid Tests
ESPN's Chris Berman Running Out Of Clever Nicknames, Now Just Putting "Sch-" In Front Of Player's Name
Issue Thirty-Five November 11, 2003
Matt Suhey Named American League Rookie of the Year
George O'Leary Takes Vikings Defensive Coordinator Job Off Resume
Super-Intelligent Computers From the Future Overthrow Mankind; Still Can't Agree On Who Should Be #2 In BCS Standings
Chance "Field of Dreams" Viewing Leads To 20-Minute Tirade About James Earl Jones Not Being Nominated For Oscar
NBA Rookie Better At PlayStation Basketball Than Actual Basketball
Peyton Manning Gets 25-To-Life For Mooning Incident
Issue Thirty-Four November 3, 2003
Several Dead, Thousands Left Homeless As Kobe/Shaq Feud Rages Across Southern California
Al Davis Fires Raiders Players; Scary-Looking Raiders Fans To Play Season's Last Eight Games
Chess Club At Jock's New High School Refreshingly Stereotypical
Babe Ruth Now Haunting Individual Red Sox Fans
LeBron James' Successor Completes Potty Training
High School Football Coach Misses Point Of "Radio," Fields Team Of Retards
Issue Thirty-Three October 27, 2003
Yankees Beat Marlins In World Series; Athletic Reporter Purchased By George Steinbrenner
"Do the Bartman" Song, Video Ruined For Chicagoland "Simpsons" Fan
Eagle County D.A. To Load Jury With Celtics Fans
Baseball Scoreboard Operator Puts Third "K" Really Far Away From First Two
Fisticuffs Erupt At Bullfight Weigh-In
Jackass Who Plays Ironically Wins Weekly NFL Pool
Issue Thirty-Two October 20, 2003
Chicago Cubs "Punk'd"
Madden 2004 Featured On "Sports Illustrated" Cover, Entire NFL Dies
All Of New England Despondent Over U.S. Women's World Cup Soccer Loss
Dolphins Bully, Haze Marlins For Making Them Keep Infield Dirt In Place
Grady Little Moves Into Bill Buckner's Idaho Home
Sister's New Fiancee Throws Weird
Issue Thirty-One October 13, 2003
Pedro Martinez Beats Up Don Zimmer, Pope, Wilford Brimley
Kansas City's Dante Hall Returns Five Consecutive Birthday Gifts
Gus Frerotte Continues To Fill In For Culpepper During Bye Week
Nomar Milk Carton Hits Boston Supermarket Shelves
Mike Holmgren, Craig Stadler Pull Off Hilarious "Parent Trap"-Style Switcheroo
McNabb, Eagles Fall To Cowboys; Nation Apologizes To Rush Limbaugh
Issue Thirty October 6, 2003
Tommy Maddox, He Hate Me Inducted Into XFL Hall of Fame
Kurt Warner Traded To Cowboys By His Wife
Kwame Brown Misses Kwame Brown Trivia Question
Brian Urlacher, Paris Hilton To Produce World's Most Overrated Baby
Husband Points Out Doug Mientkiewicz's Thinning Hair To Wife
Craig Ehlo Really Hoping Michael Jordan Stays Retired This Time
Issue Twenty-Nine September 29, 2003
Bill Parcells Detained By Meadowlands Security Staff, Forced To Come Back and Coach Jets
Joe Paterno Mad At Officials For Bad Calls, Grandkids for Not Calling
Ted Williams Thawed, Resurrected, Placed On Yankees Post-Season Roster
Cubs, Red Sox Ban Sports Illustrated Photographers From Coming Anywhere Near Them
Sean Salisbury Kicks John Clayton's Ass In ESPN Parking Lot
Fantasy Baseball Loser Claims East Coast Bias
Issue Twenty-Eight September 22, 2003
Maurice Clarett Petitions Hall of Fame For Early Entry
Red Sox Place Ben Affleck On Fan Waivers
Oscar De La Hoya, Al Davis Sue Each Other
"Gay Met" Rumor Really Died Down After Alomar Trade, Realizes Baseball Fan
Atlanta Braves Clinch 2003, 2004 NL East Titles
Tonya Harding Arrested In Kobe Bryant Case, D.A. "Just Covering His Bases"
Issue Twenty-Seven September 15, 2003
WNBA Holds Bake Sale To Pay For WNBA Finals
Larry Bowa's Head Explodes
High School Football Party Ruined When Coach Rents the Wrong "Rudy"
Twins Fan Deletes July's Anti-Shannon-Stewart Diatribe From His Website
USC Marching Band Defeats Hawaii 61-32
ESPN's "Playmakers" Totally Fake, Says Wife-Beating Coke Fiend NFL Star
Issue Twenty-Six September 8, 2003
Daniel Snyder Names Self Redskins Placekicker
Tigers Now Tied For National League Wild Card Somehow
NFL Preemptively Suspends Maurice Clarett
49er Teammates Carefully Avoid the Word "Fabulous" In Describing Jeff Garcia's Performance
Mike Tyson Gets Mike Tyson's Face Tattooed On Face
Congress Passes Law Requiring Chargers To Wear Powder Blue Uniforms
Issue Twenty-Five September 1, 2003
Falcons to Replace Vick with Sammy Hagar
Tigers Take Their Ball and Go Home
NHL Franchise Part of Herschel Walker Trade, Says Ex-Minnesota Vikings Executive
Clippers Added to California Recall Ballot
Mattel Introduces "My First NBA Groupie"
Indonesian Girl Signs $9 Deal To Make Nikes
Issue Twenty-Four August 25, 2003
Vick Breaks Fibula, Dan Reeves Fantasy Team Looking Up
Jesse Orosco Recalls '86 World Series, D-Day
Fantasy Owner Pulls Fantasy Groin
Modified Stableford Scoring Applied to Blind Date
Man Mistakes "X Games" for Adult Movie Title
Chicago-Area Whites Uneasy About Hating Kordell Stewart
Issue Twenty-Three August 18, 2003
"Stanny" Almonte Pitches Bronx Into Little League World Series
Sports Fan Sees Jim Gray, Fights Urge To Punch Him
Rio de Janeiro Awarded 2006 Laff-a-Lympics
Fans Of Alleged Rape Flock To Eagle County, Colorado
Paul Konerko Finds Hitting Stroke, Weapons of Mass Destruction
Jeremy Shockey To Appear On "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy"
Issue Twenty-Two August 11, 2003
Jeremy Shockey To Appear On "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy"
Paul Konerko Finds Hitting Stroke, Weapons of Mass Destruction
Fans Of Alleged Rape Flock To Eagle County, Colorado
Tigers Pitcher Tells Chick At Club He's a Computer Programmer
NFL Switches To Modified Stableford Scoring System
Vai Sikahema Totally Remembered
Issue Twenty-One August 4, 2003
Namibian Bushman Says Kobe's Accuser Was "Asking For It"
Matt Millen Fined $200,000 For Not Renting "Friday"
Maurice Clarett Sets All-Time Division I Record For Crazy
Selig Revokes AL Central Winner's Playoff Berth
Slumping Tiger Woods Denies Tiger Woods Slump
Football Fan Definitely Going To Memorize New Divisions This Year
Issue Twenty July 28, 2003
Lance Armstrong Conquers Tour de France, France
Timberwolves, Pirates Complete Eight-Player Trade
Michael Finley Not Arrested
Finch, Williams, Bird To Be Featured On New Channel ESPNHot
Mattel Introduces "My First NBA Groupie"
Coach John Wooden Imparts Homespun Wisdom To Counter Guy At Quizno's
Issue Nineteen July 21, 2003
Bret Boone Ruins All-Star Game For Aaron Boone By Doing "Quit Hitting Yourself" In Front Of Everybody
Serena Williams Wins ESPY For Outstanding Achievement In Cleavage
Fantasy Football Owner Already Obsessing Over Prospective Team Names
YES Network To Debut Saturday Morning Program "Yankee Babies"
Dog Track Begins Selling Ad Space On Greyhounds
Twins Beat Writer Getting Nowhere With Own "Vanishing Black Ballplayer" Story
Issue Eighteen July 14, 2003
Dontrelle Willis Finally Named To All-Star Team After Selig Pistol-Whips Kevin Brown
Randall Simon Named PETA Man of the Year
Lakers Sign Payton, Malone, Bird, Russell, Mikan, Dr. James Naismith
Jason Kidd Beats Up San Antonio For "Lookin' At My Woman"
Twins Fan Celebrates 50th Viewing of "Little Big League" On Showtime
Girlfriend Unimpressed By Stephon Marbury Sighting At Airport
Issue Seventeen July 7, 2003
Takeru Kobayashi Eats 44 1/2 Hot Dogs, William Perry
Scioscia Turns In Sloppy All-Star Roster Obviously Written At the Last Minute
Serena Williams, Some Dude Win Wimbledon
Fat Kid Describes Season-Long Futility As "Slump"
Bush Orders Lance Armstrong to Boycott Tour de France
Miramax Begins ESPY Campaign For Some Reason
Issue Sixteen June 30, 2003
LeBron James Dodges NBA Draft
Rice Wins College World Series
Smoltz, Gagne To Settle "Best Closer" Debate With Texas Death Match
Rams Anxious To Try Out New "Overrated White Guys" Strategy
MLB Debuts "Asteriskey the Asterisk" Mascot
Guy's Head Obscures Whole Effing Game
Issue Fifteen June 23, 2003
Bonds Takes Dose Of Bad Steroids, Turns Green, Rampages Through City
Yankees Sign David Beckham
Klitschko Arrested For Hate Crime Following Lewis Bout
Bobby Knight Awfully Quiet Lately
Baseball Fan Brings Up Marlins' Stellar Interleague Record For Fifth Straight Year
Arena Bowl Winners Shoot "I'm Going To Branson!" Commercial
Issue Fourteen June 16, 2003
At Least Everyone Can Be Happy For David Robinson
Devils Fans Dig Up Lou Gehrig, Jesse Owens; Boo Them
U.S. Open Still "Just Golf On TV" To Wife
College Sports Canceled
Steinbrenner To Plant Coke In Torre's Office So He Can Fire Him
New WWE Wrestler "Monkeypox" Debuts
Issue Thirteen June 9, 2003
Spurs, Nets Battle In NBA Finals As Nation Catches Up On "Law & Order" Re-Runs
Distracted Sammy Sosa Injects Bat With Steroids
Preschool Play Group Summits Everest
Fantasy Owner Once Again Washes Hands of Ken Griffey, Jr.
Eight-Year-Old Not Fooled By Dad's Tales of "Dennis Rodman"
Venus Williams To Marry Dom DiMaggio
Issue Twelve June 2, 2003
New Jersey Battles Anaheim, San Antonio; Ducks and Spurs To Roll Over "If They Know What's Good For 'Em"
NFL Moves Miami Hurricanes To Los Angeles
Roger Clemens Pisses Off 3,000,000th Red Sox Fan
Gen-Xer Disappointed In Real-Life "All Valley Karate Championship"
Funny Cide Guarantees Belmont Victory
Bush Demands That Agassi, Serena Win French Open
Issue Eleven May 26, 2003
Annika Sorenstam Wins Colonial, Females Seize Power
Mo Vaughn Wins "American Idol"
Madden Cruiser Wins Indy 500
Indonesian Girl Signs $9 Deal To Make Nikes
Jean-Sebastien Giguere Given Cholera By Devils Fan Satan
Pedro Martinez To Miss 2-3 Weeks As Right Arm Falls Off
Issue Ten May 19, 2003
Spurs Fans Topple Giant Phil Jackson Statue In San Antonio
Jean-Sebastien Giguere Rewrites NHL, Guinness Record Books
Tigers Sign Darren Baker
Todd Jones, Vijay Singh Join Dixie Chicks
Fantasy Barry Bonds, Fantasy Jeff Kent Fight In Fantasy Dugout
ESPN's "SportsCentury and Beyond" Clearly Running Low On Ideas
Issue Nine May 12, 2003
Mets Owner Finally Told He's On "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment"
Fans Shocked By Minnesota Wild's Playoff Run, Existence
Rafael Palmeiro Hears 500th Viagra Joke
Phil Jackson Blames Clogged Artery On Bad Officiating
NCAA Sends Evil Cyborg Terminator Back In Time To Eliminate Michigan's "Fab Five"
Charlotte NBA Expansion Franchise Hires Cedric the Entertainer as GM
Issue Eight May 5, 2003
Kenyan Runner Wins Kentucky Derby
Yankees Get Rivera Back From DL; Get Mantle Back From the Dead
Jean-Sebastien Giguere Tests Positive For "The Magic of Disney"
Oakland Woman Not Sure If She's Dating Mulder, Hudson or Zito
Coach's Daughter Wishes Her Dad Was Cool Like Larry Eustachy
Bill Parcells' Cardiologist Keeping November Open
Issue Seven April 28, 2003
Bengals Draft Ryan Leaf
Bush Sick Of Being Presented With Lakers Jerseys, Hopes Someone Else Wins This Year
WNBA Announces New "Whatever David Stern Says" Labor Agreement
Rasheed Wallace Dismayed By Lack of "MVP" Chants From Portland Crowd
Baseball Warns Teams Visiting Toronto To Avoid SARS, Warns Teams Visiting Houston To Avoid This One Psycho Chick
Red Wings-Avalanche Rivalry Shifts To Golf Course
Issue Six April 21, 2003
White Sox Postpone "Run Out Onto the Field and Punch People" Night
LeBron James Looking Forward To Playing For Knicks
Pacers, Ron Artest Commence Playoffs; Terror Alert Level Raised to Orange
Red Wings Call For Do-Over: "We Weren't Ready," Claim Defending Champs
Montreal Expos Defect To Puerto Rico
Marcus Giles White
Issue Five April 14, 2003
Masters Protested By Women's Groups, People Sick of Tiger Always Winning
Tagliabue Urges "Regime Change" For Bengals
Lakers Finally Trying
NASCAR Fan Forbids Daughter To Date Tony Stewart
Kansas City Man Seeing A Lot More Royals Stuff Around Town All Of A Sudden
Oilers, Stars To Meet In First Round Every Year No Matter What
Issue Four April 8, 2003
Syracuse Wins NCAA Tournament, Chick In Accounting Wins Office Pool
Yankee Scientists Genetically Combine Alex Rodriguez, Ozzie Smith; "O-Rod" To Fill In For Jeter
Atlanta Braves' Deal With Devil Expires, Team To Miss Playoffs
Allstate Commerical Makes Drunk Fan Cry
NHL Addresses Financial Woes By Adding 12 Expansion Teams
Vikings Shore Up Defense, Will Still Suck
Issue Three March 31, 2003
LeBron James, Jr. Declares For NBA Draft
Barry Bonds Donates 50,000 Elbow Guards to U.S. Armed Forces
Kirby Puckett Trial Underway, Minnesotans "Would Rather Talk About Something Else"
Fantasy Basketball Owners File Class-Action Suit Against Andre Miller
White Sox Fan Jealous of Red Sox Fans
Basketball Fan Suddenly Knows Everything About Butler
Issue Two March 24, 2003
16 Seed Truly Believes It Can Win; Loses
Piazza: "Well, If You Held a Gun To My Head... Colin Farrell"
Pete Rose Inducts Himself Into Pete Rose Hall of Fame
Steve Lavin Fired, Drugged, Straightjacketed, Locked in Trunk, Thrown Into Pacific Ocean
Tiger, Serena To Wed; Offspring Will Rule Benevolently
Iraqi Army Hires Coach Norman Dale
Issue One March 17, 2003
College Basketball Fan Succumbs to 'Bracket Fever'
Chicago-Area Whites Uneasy About Hating Kordell Stewart
Holy Cross Beats Army, Bush Deploys Them To Iraq
Dreifort's Knee, Brown's Elbow Re-sign With Giants
Stockton, Malone Old
Steinbrenner Blasts Wells, Jeter, Mattingly, Jackson, Mantle, DiMaggio, Ruth For "Tarnishing the Yankee Image"

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