The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Bush Demands That Agassi, Serena Win French Open
Originally posted 6/2/2003

Bush, left, with French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac
EVIAN, FRANCE - Attending the G-8 summit of world leaders, President Bush demanded Sunday that Americans Andre Agassi and Serena Williams win the French Open tennis tournament. At press time Agassi and Williams had made the fourth round of the men's and women's draws, respectively.

"We live in tumultuous times," the President said. "It is time for America to show the rest of the world the way, just as we did during Operation Iraqi Freedom. And as in that endeavor, we may face resistance from the French. Arnaud Clement and Amelie Mauresmo are having the tournaments of their lives, but I implore Mr. Agassi and Ms. Williams to do what is right. Namely, to win the French Open. We need to show those Frenchies who's boss."

Reaction to Bush's command was mixed. "This tournament needs to be won," said NBC tennis analyst Bud Collins. "It's going to be won sooner or later, whether the French like it or not. If it falls to American tennis players to get the job done, then I'm sure they'll be up to the task."

"It is, how you say, ridiculous," said Yannick Noah, French Open champion in 1983 and the last Frenchman to win the tournament. "The rest of the world does not want the Americans to win, and yet Andre and Serena insist on it."

Bush concluded his remarks by demanding that cyclist Lance Armstrong win his fifth straight Tour de France later this year, "just to stick it to 'em."

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