The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Roger Federer Injects Testicle With Cancer in Desperate Bid For Stateside Media Coverage

"I am a Federer. My name is Roger the Federer."
NEW YORK - U.S. Open tennis champion and world No. 1 Roger Federer injected himself with testicular cancer this week in a desperate bid to attract some stateside media attention. "Maybe if I get testicular cancer, and then get cured, and then win seven straight titles, people will pay attention to me in this country," said Federer, who at 24 has won six Grand Slam tournaments and sports a 23-0 record in finals over the last two years.

"Roger Federer is undoubtedly the greatest tennis player of this era," said former champion-turned-broadcaster John McEnroe, "and he's well on his way to becoming the greatest of all time. But tennis is sort of a minor sport in the United States, and even if you dominate in a minor sport you don't get much coverage. Unless you have testicular cancer, and then get better."

Federer defeated 35-year-old Andre Agassi in the U.S. Open final, running his 2005 record to 45-1 on hard courts and 71-3 overall. "I've played against most of the great champions of the past 20 or 25 years," Agassi said, "and I think I'd put Roger above any of them. He really deserves to be a huge, huge name in this country and everywhere else. I wish him the best with the cancer; I hope it pays off for him."

"If this testicular cancer thing doesn't work," said Federer, who as of Monday morning was walking rather gingerly, "I don't know what I'll do. Maybe get a wife and have some kids, and then leave them for, like, Liz Phair or Sophie B. Hawkins or somebody."

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