The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Patriots Begin Another Joyless, Inevitable Super Bowl Campaign

Above: Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, seen here celebrating his team's Week 1 victory over the Oakland Raiders
FOXBORO, MA - The New England Patriots kicked off the 2005 NFL season Thursday night with a workmanlike, almost robotic 30-20 victory over the visiting Oakland Raiders. "We don't want to dwell on last season," said Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who has coached the Patriots to three of the last four Super Bowl titles, including the last two in a row.

"We want to make this year's march to the Super Bowl title as joyless as it is inevitable," said Belichick. "After all, what good is winning Super Bowl titles if you're going to do something silly like enjoy them?"

"We're not thinking about last year," said Patriots defensive lineman Richard Seymour. "Mostly because Coach Belichick won't let us. I mean, at all."

"We're all scared out of our minds," said a Patriots quarterback and former two-time Super Bowl MVP, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "I swear to God. Last week, Deion Branch came in wearing his Super Bowl ring from last season, and Coach made him eat it."

"You don't get to where we are by focusing on anything other than football," said Belichick, whose marriage broke up in the offseason. "We didn't get to where we are today by having fun, being entertaining or maybe taking three seconds to appreciate what we've accomplished. That stuff's for homos."

Belichick then ordered all books, newspapers and magazines in the greater Boston area that featured any mention of the Patriots' three Super Bowl victories to be burned in a giant bonfire in the north end zone of Gillette Stadium.

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