The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Stephen King Named Red Sox Closer
Originally posted 8/22/2005

New Red Sox closer Stephen King prepares to display his frightening stuff
BOSTON - The Boston Red Sox addressed the bullpen woes that had plagued them since closer Keith Foulke's July 7 knee surgery, signing world-famous Red Sox fan and bestselling horror writer Stephen King this week. "When Stephen threw out the first pitch for us last year," said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, "we noticed he really had some good stuff. Plus, he's a very scary-looking guy who's written some very scary books. We're hoping other teams will be afraid of him."

King will replace the beleaguered Curt Schilling in the closer roll. Schilling gave up three ninth-inning runs to the Detroit Tigers Tuesday, taking the loss for a Red Sox team that has the worst ninth-inning ERA in baseball.

"This is the thrill of a lifetime," said King, 57. "I never thought anything could top the Red Sox comeback against the Yankees in the playoffs last year, but this might do it."

"At first I thought this was an absolutely ridiculous move," said Boston Globe columnist Bob Ryan. "But based on how the Red Sox bullpen has been playing this year, I suppose Stephen King can't be much worse. I mean, he thought of having a car come alive and terrorize people; I'm sure he can think of a way to get out of a ninth-inning jam against the Blue Jays."

Among the books that King, a longtime Red Sox fan, has written are The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, featuring the former Red Sox closer of the same name, and Faithful, an account of the Red Sox 2004 championship season co-written with Stewart O'Nan.

"Man, that dude is creepy," said Gary Sheffield of the New York Yankees, who trail the Red Sox in the American League East standings by 4 1/2 games. "I don't think I'll be able to face him without thinking about that scene in 'Misery' where that lady whacks that dude's legs with the sledge hammer. What kind of a guy thinks up something like that, anyway? I wouldn't want to get a hit off him, for fear of what he'd do to me afterwards."

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