The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Stockton, Malone Old
Originally posted 3/17/2003

Stockton's dad
SALT LAKE CITY - The Athletic Reporter has learned that Utah Jazz All-Stars John Stockton and Karl Malone are really, unbelievably old. Estimates on the ages of the pair differ greatly, but one thing that everyone agrees on is that Stockton and Malone are super ancient.

"Man, those guys are old," said Jazz fan Steve Kuser, 57, of Salt Lake City. "They've been here as long as I can remember. I mean, even before the Jazz moved here from New Orleans, I remember seeing them around."

"Those guys were old when I was in grade school," said John Summers, 26, of Provo. "Back then, I used to make jokes about how they were so old that they invented basketball, that kind of thing. Now, it's to the point where I joke about how they invented throwing things through stuff."

The date on which Stockton and Malone arrived in Utah has never been established with any accuracy. "This region was settled by nomadic hunter-gatherers around 10,000 B.C.," said Dr. Helen Tauscher, professor of anthropology at Weber State University in Ogden, Utah.

"These people were descendants of the first human beings ever to see the so-called New World, who had crossed the Bering land bridge centuries before. We do know that Stockton and Malone were already in Utah when those settlers got there, so nailing down their exact ages would be almost impossible."

According to cultural historian Christopher Wagner, area tribal legends refer to a small, pale man and a large, dark man who traveled together. "These two," said Wagner, "supposedly roamed the territory with an almost preternatural court sense, executing the pick-and-roll like no others."

Wagner said the legends are assumed to be references to Stockton and Malone, since both are incredibly, ridiculously old.

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