The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
A-Rod To Reveal He Also Cries During Beaches, Wets Bed
Originally posted 5/30/2005

"Who are you people not to love and embrace me?!?"
NEW YORK - New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, in the course of donating $200,000 to a Manhattan mental health charity, revealed to the world this week that he has been in therapy for over a decade. He also said that, in case opposing players and fans still don't have enough material to use to make fun of him, he will soon reveal that he cries whenever he watches the movie Beaches, and that he still wets the bed.

"I think that by revealing these things," Rodriguez said, "I can show people that I'm not some high-and-mighty rich baseball player whose life is much, much better than theirs, and that I'm not an awkward, unrelatable person. I'm just a regular person, like... um... I don't know, I'm sure some of you out there have met regular people. Let me assure you: that's what I'm like."

"Awwww, A-Rod, what's the mattah?" said Red Sox fan Sean O'Malley of Falmouth, Massachusetts. "Ah you feeling depressed? Do ya need someone ta tawk too? Maybe it's that time of the month again! You suck! Go Sawks!"

"Really, I swear, I'm not better than you!" Rodriguez repeated, though no one had suggested he was. "I'm just like you. I pee myself regularly, and I cry like a bitch every time Barbara Hershey dies! I swear! I'm normal, like you! Sometimes I eat my eye boogers after I wake up! Please, accept me!"

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