The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Miami Heat Team Plane Crashes Under Weight of Shaquille O'Neal's "Original Whizzinator"
Originally posted 5/16/2005

Above: Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal, whose greatest asset was also his ultimate undoing
VANCEBORO, NC - Tragedy struck the NBA Wednesday as the Miami Heat team plane, which was headed to Washington, DC for Game 3 of the team's Round 2 playoff series against he Washington Wizards, crashed in a field outside of Vanceboro, NC. The cause of the crash was determined to be the excessive weight of Heat center Shaquille O'Neal's "Original Whizzinator."

The Whizzinator -- a device made famous by Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, who was caught with one at an airport last month -- is essentially a prosthetic penis attached to a plastic bag, and is used to circumvent drug tests. Like Smith, O'Neal apparently forgot his Whizzinator in his carry-on luggage, and the Heat team plane could not withstand the prodigious bulk.

"What we're dealing with here is a relatively small private plane, not a commercial jet," said National Transportation Safety Board spokesman Jeffrey Cowan. "Obviously, any device that would be large enough to stand in for Shaq's member is going to compromise the aerodynamic integrity of an aircraft of that size."

Heat officials expressed dismay and regret over the tragedy, especially because O'Neal had never been accused or suspected of violating NBA drug policy. "We're all horrified," said Heat Senior VP for Basketball Operations Andy Elisburg. "We can't believe that Shaquille would ever need an Original Whizzinator for any purpose, and that if he did, he would be careless enough to bring something like that on an airplane. He would have to know he was risking his life and the lives of others."

Puck Technologies of Signal Hill, CA, which distributes the Original Whizzinator, declined to comment on the situation, but a careful perusal of the companies records obtained by the Athletic Reporter revealed orders of several hundred pounds of latex, plastic and brown dye made by the company last fall, as well as shipping receipts to a "Mr. S. Diesel" in Coral Gables, Florida.

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