The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Barry Bonds Hires Violinist to Follow Him Around and Play Sad Music
Originally posted 3/29/2005

Bonds (with crutch) enters the Giants spring training facility with his personal violinist in tow
SAN FRANCISCO - After a self-pitying rant to reporters failed to garner any sympathy for his plight last week, injured San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds went one step further on Monday, hiring a violinist to follow him around and play mournful, melancholy music.

"Look at me," Bonds said as his violinist, San Francisco Women's Philharmonic veteran Sophie Wu, played Mozart's Requiem. "My knee is hurt, I might not be able to play this season, and everybody thinks I took steroids just because I'm 50% bigger now than I was when I was 25. I mean, when you think about it, it's pretty much just Solzhenitsyn, Nelson Mandela and me who have ever suffered like this, right? Oh, and Jesus. I'm like Jesus."

Bonds told reporters last week that he was physically and mentally "done," that the media "finally brought me and my family down," and that "you guys wanted to hurt me bad enough, you finally got me." Bonds also used his children to try to elicit sympathy, saying that he was "tired of my kids crying."

"This is awesome!" said Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Chronicle. "Is there anything more hilarious than a rich, famous jerk trying to get people to feel sorry for him? I can't see that enough. I'm saving that interview on my TiVo for a while, I can tel you that."

After the nation's sportswriters reacted to Bonds' hardships not with sympathy but with a delight bordering on glee, Bonds realized he needed to take drastic action.

"This girl here, she's a top-of-the-line violin player," Bonds said Monday. "She doesn't come cheap. But I need people to know just how sad my situation is right now. I mean, I just had knee surgery, and, there's an outside chance that I might have to retire with just 703 home runs. Can you imagine? A man like me, me, limited to only 703 career home runs? Uh, hey, play a little louder, there, baby. Okay?"

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