The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Congress Subpoenas Roy Hobbs
Originally posted 3/14/2005

Roy Hobbs, seen here just before hitting a home run that changes the Earth's polarity, or some such crazy-ass thing
by Brandon Kruse, Athletic Reporter staff writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The House Government Reform Committee, on the heels of issuing subpoenas to seven Major League Baseball players for testimony at a hearing on the use of anabolic steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs, has now issued an additional subpoena to fictional New York Knights outfielder Roy Hobbs from the 1984 film The Natural.

In the film, Hobbs overcomes a near-fatal shooting in his youth and finally makes his professional baseball debut in 1939, at age thirty-five. He proceeds to build an instantaneously legendary reputation by hitting numerous home runs, including one that breaks a scoreboard clock in Chicago and another that destroys a light tower, and by literally tearing the cover off a ball.

"We're not trying to turn this into a witch hunt, but come on!" said committee spokesman David Marin. "A thirty-five year-old guy comes out of nowhere and starts launching pitches into the stratosphere? What are we supposed to think? Are we just supposed to suspend our disbelief and accept this whole thing as some kind of fantasy created solely for entertainment purposes? That's preposterous."

When informed that the whole thing was in fact some kind of fantasy created solely for entertainment purposes, and that one was supposed to suspend their disbelief, and that, more importantly, Hobbs did not exist and thus could never testify in front of Congress, Marin replied, "I'm sorry, we are not going to accept any excuses or offer any exemptions from this testimony. Not on the grounds of privacy violations, not on the grounds of avoiding embarrassment, and certainly not on the grounds of lack of tangible existence. We want Major League Baseball to understand just how serious we are with this hearing."

Marin added that the committee was considering issuing additional subpoenas to Pedro Cerrano from the 1989 film Major League, Marla Hooch from 1992's A League of Their Own and "that Benjamin Franklin Rodriguez kid" from 1993's The Sandlot.

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