The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
U.S. Government to Allow Profiling of People in Number 18 Oakland Raiders Jerseys
Originally posted 3/7/2005

If you see someone who looks like this, it's probably best to just arrest him
WASHINGTON, DC - Newly sworn in Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff announced this week that his department will be deviating from its stated policy against profiling, declaring that the practice will heretofore be allowed and encouraged in regards to anyone wearing an Oakland Raiders #18 football jersey. 18 is the number to be worn by new Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss, who has attracted controversy and legal trouble throughout his career.

"We have, until now, officially discouraged profiling," Chertoff said, "but the nation is at a higher risk than ever before. Naturally, anyone wearing a Raiders jersey is trouble, and anyone who is a fan of Randy Moss cannot be trusted. This we have known. Now, since anyone wearing a number 18 Raiders jersey would have to be, by definition, either an untrustworthy menace or Randy Moss himself, I have urged law enforcement agencies nationwide to begin detaining any such offenders on sight."

"Man, I just bought one of those jerseys, and now I can't even wear it anywhere," said a longtime Oakland Raiders fan who asked not to be identified because he was currently on the run from the law. "That stinks. Hey, do you know where I can score some blow?"

Civil rights activists reacted negatively to Chertoff's declaration, though not with their usual fervor or indignation. "This is sort of an outrage!" said NAACP chairman Julian Bond. "To think that in the year 2005, a man might be judged by the color and the number of his football jersey is... well, 'shameful' might be too strong a word, given that we're dealing with Randy Moss and with Raiders fans. 'A shame' might be more accurate. It's a shame it's got to be this way. But, really, I can see their point."

"Man, I ain't worried," Moss told police this weekend. "Defensive backs can't stop me, the police can't stop me, can't nobody stop me." The star wide receiver was then wrestled to the ground and immobilized by several government agents and quickly ushered away from the scene.

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