The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
New Softball Pants Disturbingly Tight
Originally posted 1/31/2005

Try not to stare
OXNARD, CA - Sources close to Oxnard, California recreational softball league team Arnie's Army reported this week that team founder and manager Greg Arnold's new softball pants are, as one team member put it, "disturbingly tight."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, the team member said that Arnold seemed to have purchased softball pants that were a size too small without realizing it. "They kind of cling," the team member reported. "It's pretty bad. You can totally see stuff. None of us know how to tell him."

"These?" Arnold replied when asked about his new softball pants in a casual, nonchalant manner by a teammate this week. "I got them over at SportMart. No, I don't really have any plans to get another pair any time soon. Why?"

Oxnard rec league umpire Andy Schultz, who has been officiating games involving Arnold for seven years, said that he has found calling Arnie's Army games difficult as of late. "It's really hard not to either stare or laugh, especially since [Arnold] almost always pitches," Schultz said. "Every time I say 'ball two,' I start cracking up."

"We're doing all we can," said Arnold's anonymous teammate. "We give him the 'slide' sign on the bases all the time, in hopes that he'll rip a hole in the pants and have to get new ones. So far, no dice."

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