The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
WNBA Announces New "Whatever David Stern Says" Labor Agreement
Originally posted 4/28/2003

Luckily, an article about the WNBA gives us a chance to run a photo of Seattle's Sue Bird
NEW YORK - After weeks of negotiations and down-to-the-wire bargaining, the WNBA announced a new labor agreement early Friday morning. "You can stop worrying, sports fans," WNBA president Val Ackerman said. "The WNBA season will go on as scheduled thanks to your new labor agreement, which states that we have to do whatever David Stern says."

Ackerman made her statements Friday while wearing a Wonder Woman costume, explaining that "this is what commissioner Stern told me to wear". When asked about the league's new salary cap, Ackerman halfheartedly shouted "Salary cap!" and proceeded to shotgun a beer.

WNBA players threatened to strike this spring if a new agreement was not reached. After an offseason in which two teams folded and two more were forced to relocate, the league had little choice but to accept whatever demands NBA commissioner Stern, whose league will put up $12 million this year to help keep the WNBA afloat, wanted to impose.

"I think it's a victory for us in this collective bargaining agreement, because we got free agency," said Cleveland Rockers center Nyree Roberts, making David Stern a sandwich while wearing an undersized French maid outfit. "We didn't quite get the salary increases we were looking for, though. But, if we wanted there to be a season in 2003 we had to make some concessions."

Commissioner Stern was pleased with the outcome of the negotiations, but was non-committal when asked about the WNBA's chances for long-term survival. "The league is suffering a bit financially, that's true, and it could be in some trouble if things don't pick up," Stern said. "But I've got some exciting ideas for next year that I'm fairly sure the teams will acquiesce to, like 'The Players Kiss Each Other' Tuesdays and 'Each Team Gets One Dude' night."

Stern also revealed Friday that the WNBA's slogan this year will be "No Fat Chicks."

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