The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Bush Reelected, Expos To Stay the Hell in Canada
Originally posted 11/8/2004

Montreal, current home of the Expos and avowed future home of whiny, bloviating American leftists
MONTREAL - The Montreal Expos baseball club, which had been set to move to Washington, DC for the 2005 season, announced that it will stay the hell in Canada following the reelection of President George W. Bush on Tuesday. "We figure we'll just wait it out here in Montreal," said Expos interim general manager Jim Bowden.

"That's really too bad," President Bush said this weekend. A former majority owner of the Texas Rangers and avid baseball fan, the President also said he had been hoping Major League Baseball would let him rename the team. "I was going to suggest the Washington Mandates," Bush offered.

"I was excited about going back to the United States to play," said Expos pitcher Rocky Biddle. "But, it might not be a horrible idea to stay in Canada for a while. Maybe a few years. Maybe four."

"Fine with us," said former Washington, DC mayor Marion Barry, who was elected Tuesday to a city council seat [seriously. He was]. "We don't need to spend taxpayer money on a new stadium for billionaire owners and millionaire ballplayers when poor children in this city go without crack and hookers every day!"

"Don't forget," said Expos manager Frank Robinson. "Bush hates the French. If we go back to Washington, there's no telling what he'll do. I mean, even if someone explained to him that Quebecers aren't actually French, and that even if they were we don't actually have any Canadians on the team... it's still probably better if we just play it safe here in Montreal."

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