The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
2004 Election Plunges Into Chaos as Ben Roethlisberger Wins Pennsylvania
Originally posted 11/2/2004

Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers waves to loyal voters after beating Bush, Kerry, and the New England Patriots
PITTSBURGH - The hotly contested 2004 presidential election was plunged into chaos this week when Pittsburgh Steelers rookie quarterback Ben Roethlisberger won Pennsylvania on write-in votes. Roethlisberger is 5-0 in his first five NFL starts and on Sunday led the Steelers in snapping the New England Patriots' NFL-record 21 game win streak, but at 23 does not meet the Constitutionally-mandated 35-year-old age limit to run for president.

"This is an obvious case of fraud and malfeasance by George W. Bush and his army of right-wing voter fraud specialists," said Gary Benvenisti, one of John Kerry's army of thousands of sleazy lawyers who vowed before the election to contest a Bush victory even if it wasn't remotely close. "We've heard countless stories of Republican thugs bullying and intimidating Philadelphia Eagles fans -- who never would have voted for Roethlisberger -- to keep them away from the polls. This is a travesty."

Roethlisberger, who threw for 196 yards and two touchdowns in Pittsburgh's 34-20 win over New England Sunday, thanked voters in Pennsylvania as election results came in. "I really appreciate it," Roethlisberger said. "It means a lot that the people of Pennsylvania think highly enough of me to give me their 21 electoral votes. However, I don't really want to be the president. Not right now, anyway.

"Frankly, we're surprised Roethlisberger's total was as low as it was," said Republican strategist Karl Rove. Roethlisberger received 68% of the vote in Pennsylvania, while George W. Bush and John Kerry each garnered around 12% (Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens came in fourth with 6%). This is widely believed to be the first time that a rookie quarterback write-in candidate has won as many as 21 electoral votes. "The way Roethlisberger has stepped in for Tommy Maddox and led the Steelers, who no one picked to do anything this year, to the top of the AFC North, we figured we'd be lucky to score in double figures in Pennsylvania this year."

The Pennsylvania Supreme Court is scheduled to hear cases on the matter next week, with a decision expected sometime before Thanksgiving. "Either way," said President Bush, "I'm not too worried. I'll just have the Supreme Court vote for me, like in 2000. That's the easiest way to become president. I'm surprised no one thought of that before I did."

Roethlisberger said that while he is thankful for the support he has received throughout Pennsylvania all season and on election day, he plans to "focus on the next Sunday's game against the Eagles, and see if we can't knock off another undefeated team. Although," Roethlisberger added, "I should probably get some cabinet appointees together, just in case."

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