The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Iraqi Soccer Team Loses Bronze Medal Game, Tortures Itself Out of Habit
Originally posted 8/30/2004

Iraq's Mohammed Emad takes a moment to think about how best to torture himself following his team's loss
BAGHDAD - The Iraqi men's soccer team's improbable run to the semifinals of the Olympic tournament ended Friday night with a 1-0 loss to Italy in the bronze medal game. Following their defeat, members of the Iraqi team returned home and began torturing themselves in the manner to which they had become accustomed under former Iraqi Olympic head Uday Hussein.

"We really should have been more prepared against Italy," said Iraq's Abdul Wahab Abu Al Hail as he crouched in his poorly ventilated 3 X 3 foot cell. "We used to think Uday was much too hard on us, but, after we came out flat with a medal on the line, I think we all see what he was getting at now."

"Many people were encouraged with our early success," said Razzaq Farhan, who failed to convert a scoring chance just before halftime of the Italy game, "and we should have kept it up. We failed, however, and for that we must pay. It's funny, but, you really don't realize how much you're going to miss having your thrashed and bleeding body dragged over a feces-covered concrete floor until your dictator's insane son is no longer around to administer such a punishment."

Despite the team's losing effort in the gold medal game, United States president George W. Bush praised the Iraqi mens' efforts. "Three years ago these men would have been tortured against their will after such a loss," the president said, "instead of having the freedom to brutalize themselves as they see fit." Bush then added that "for the record, none of those Iraqi soccer players ever witnessed John Kerry's swift boat come under enemy fire from the Vietcong. That's awfully suspicious, if you ask me."

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