The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
NCAA Leaves Flaming Bag of Poop on Mike Williams' Doorstep, Just To Rub It In
Originally posted 8/30/2004

Above: the great Mike Williams, seen here having very little trouble getting by some puss from UCLA
LOS ANGELES - Unidentified officials from the NCAA left a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep of former USC wide receiver Mike Williams this week, just to rub it in. On Thursday the NCAA ruled that Williams is ineligible to play for USC this season, a ruling handed down approximately one hour before the Trojans boarded their team flight to Landover, Maryland for their season opener against Virginia Tech.

Williams, a junior at USC this year, declared for the NFL draft in February after a federal court ruled against an NFL regulation stating that a player must be at least three years removed from his high school graduating class to enter the league. In May, when an appeals court overturned the ruling, Williams severed ties with the agent he'd hired and applied for summer classes at USC.

"Mike Williams clearly did absolutely everything possible to comply with NCAA rules once the court ruling was overturned," said NCAA vice president for membership services Kevin Lennon. "But since I, NCAA vice president for membership services Kevin Lennon, am a big ugly fruit who hates America and all it stands for, Williams' application for reinstatement was denied.

"Then, just to be jerks," Lennon said, "I had somebody go over to his place, put a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep, ring the doorbell and run away like a little girl."

"In a way, I'm just glad it's over," Williams said as he scraped poop off of his shoe. "Or, at least, I thought it was. This last part seemed a little bit unnecessary."

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