The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Stanley Cup Retires To Florida
Originally posted 6/14/2004

The Stanley Cup relaxes in its new digs in St. Petersburg
ST. PETERSBURG, FL - The Stanley Cup, North America's oldest team sports award, retired this week to sunny Florida, a fitting spot for a trophy that has traveled so far for so long. After being won by the Tampa Bay Lightning in seven games the Cup announced this week that, due to advancing age and the NHL's almost inevitable upcoming, league-crippling lockout, it will spend the rest of its days on the Gulf Coast, soaking up the sun.

"At my age, you've got to ask yourself what's really important," the Cup told reporters at poolside. "For me, I want to live out my golden years in style. I figure this labor business will pretty much put the league out of commission, so I'll have plenty of time to sit on the deck and catch some rays, take up golf, maybe take a pottery class. I've always wanted to take a pottery class. But I've been so busy. I'm really looking forward to all the vacation time I'm going to have coming up."

"Man, it's one thing to win the Stanley Cup after 22 seasons in the league," said Tampa Bay's Dave Andreychuk, who had played more NHL games without winning a championship than anyone in the league's history. "But to win what's almost certainly the last Stanley Cup finals ever... that's something special."

"We at the NHL wish the Stanley Cup well," said league commissioner Gary Bettman this weekend. "After more than a century of service to our sport, he's earned some time off. Hopefully we'll be able to coax him out of retirement in time to be presented to the 2004-2005 Stanley Cup champions... yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not buying it either. We're finished. Oh, God, what have I done? WHAT HAVE I DOONNNNE?" Bettman then collapsed into a sobbing heap as reporters filed out awkwardly.

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