The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Steinbrenner Orders All Yankee Pitchers To Turn 41
Originally posted 5/10/2004

"Hey, you. Yeah, you! You 41? Well, you'll be 41 by this time tomorrow if you know what's good for you."
NEW YORK - Bellicose Yankees owner George Steinbrenner this week ordered all of his starting pitchers to turn 41. The order was given following the stunning early-season success of former Yankee and current 41-year-old Roger Clemens of the Houston Astros, who has racked up a 6-0 record with a 2.11 ERA and passed Steve Carlton to claim second place on the all-time career strikeouts list in the early going of the 2004 campaign.

"We need to get some of whatever that guy's got," Steinbrenner said. "I sure wish we still had him, but, since we don't, I want the next best thing. And that, obviously, would be a lineup consisting entirely of 41-year-old pitchers. I want that, and I want it now!"

"I... I just..." said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman before letting out an exasperated sigh and walking away dejectedly.

"There's a little more to it than just being 41, I can assure you," Roger Clemens said when informed of Steinbrenner's latest order. "I actually work out and practice really hard and stuff."

"I told George I was doing my best as far as the whole 'being 41' thing goes," said 39-year-old Yankee pitcher Kevin Brown. "He told me, '39 is not 41, my friend! You don't think I don't know the difference? Huh? Let's say I offered to smack you upside the head either 39 or 41 times. I bet you'd feel the difference then, when those last two came, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?!?' Then, he smacked me upside the head 41 times. It didn't really hurt all that much, but, it was pretty weird. I almost miss the Dodgers."

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