The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Barry Bonds To Play Remainder Of Season In Shrek Outfit
Originally posted 5/10/2004

Bonds, in full Shrek regalia, prepares for a game at San Francisco's SBC Park
SAN FRANCISCO - Days after nixing an ill-conceived plan to put ads for Columbia Pictures' "Spider-Man 2" on the bases during games, baseball announced that it has reached a deal with another movie studio. San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds, it was revealed this week, will play the remainder of the 2004 season in a Shrek outfit, a promotion coinciding with the May 19 release of DreamWorks' "Shrek 2."

"We're excited about this new opportunity," said Major League Baseball senior vice president for marketing and advertising Jacqueline Parkes. "We realize that our fan base reacted negatively to the 'Spider-Man 2' promotion, but we feel that our new arrangement in conjunction with 'Shrek 2' will delight baseball fans of all ages. So far we haven't heard any complaints, probably because that ridiculous gigantic elbow pad we continue to allow Barry Bonds to use makes more of a mockery of the game than anything else he could possibly wear."

"I love that Shrek, man," Bonds said. "This is going to be a lot of fun. Not to mention the added bonus that I can take as many steroids as I want, and the giant Shrek outfit I'll be wearing will disguise any more drastic changes my body that might take place."

Despite baseball's optimism about the plan, several hard-core baseball traditionalists have objected. "Though the idea is delightful in conception, it is bound to fail in execution," said political commentator and baseball geek George Will. "The comparisons between Bonds and Shrek are certainly apt: both were understood to be large, intolerant ogres who cared little for others and lived joyless, friendless existences but whom, according to their closest friends, are big-hearted, thoughtful and kind. However, the integrity and tradition of the game of baseball can and must supersede the pursuit of the almighty dollar. One wonders what luminaries of the past such as Branch Rickey or A.B. 'Happy' Chandler would think of such a spectacle -- hey, where are you going? Come back here! I haven't finished waxing poetic yet!"

"I'm not sure this is a great idea," said Giants general manager Brian Sabean. "I think the outfit might make it harder for Barry to turn on an inside fastball, let alone run the bases without getting exhausted from the weight of the costume. And that foam rubber isn't exactly cool and comfortable to wear, you know. I have to wonder if he'll be able to avoid passing out when he's running around out there in the outfield in St. Louis in July. And I don't even want to think about what that thing's going to smell like by the time we hit the All-Star break. I put on a Barney suit for my daughter's birthday party a few years ago, and after just an hour I was gagging."

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