The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Bush Trades A-Rod To Iraq
Originally posted 5/4/2004

Former members of the Texas Rangers organization George W. Bush, left, and Alex Rodriguez
WASHINTON, DC - President George W. Bush made the historic decision this week to trade New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez to Iraq for a player to be named later. Citing increasing resistance from both Muslim insurgent forces in the Middle East and anti-war factions at home, Bush said that he hopes the United States can "regroup, rebound and come back stronger than ever, just like the Mariners and the Rangers did after they got rid of him."

Rodriguez began his career with the Seattle Mariners in 1994, leaving after the 2000 season and signing the largest contract in baseball history with the Texas Rangers. The Mariners went on to win an all-time American League record 116 games in 2001 while the Rangers, who had appeared in the playoffs three of the previous five years, finished in last place each of Rodriguez's three seasons in Texas.

"I don't think that Iraq has a professional baseball league," Rodriguez said after he learned of the trade, "but, I'm sure there's something I can do to help out over there."

Shortly before the 2004 season "A-Rod," as he is often called, was traded from the Rangers to the New York Yankees, winners of six of the previous eight American League championships. As of Tuesday the Rangers were in first place in the American League West while the Yankees, due in no small part to Rodriguez's slow start, were struggling to keep their record above the .500 mark.

"While America will be sorry to see A-Rod go," Bush -- formerly the majority owner of the Rangers -- told reporters this week, "his track record simply cannot be ignored. Everything he touches turns to... well, I could tell you what it turns to, but I wouldn't want to get fined by the FCC. Heh, heh, heh." The President then winked at reporters, intending to convey the fact that he thought his comment was clever.

"At first, I was outraged," said Yankees general manager Brian Cashman regarding the trade. "Then, the President called me and explained that he had way more power than I did, he was going to take my best player away and there was nothing I could do about it, no matter how unfair I thought it was. He was right; what can you do?"

"Oh, [Bush] just has it in for me," Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said. "He's had it in for me ever since that time at the owners' meetings in 1993 when me and [then Florida Marlins owner] Wayne Huizenga short-sheeted his bed."

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