The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Pro Wrestler Denied Patent On Finishing Move
Originally posted 3/8/2004

Hawke applies his dreaded Talons of Death, a patent on which was denied by Dudas (inset)
ARLINGTON, VA - Professional wrestler Harrison Hawke was denied a patent for his "Talons of Death" finishing move this week by the United States Patent and Trademark Office. "I'm bummed out about it, sure," Hawke said. "They sent me a letter; they said it just wasn't unique enough. Now announcers won't be able to refer to it as my 'patented Talons of Death.' That's a real blow to any wrestler, as I'm sure you know."

"Several of our best patent officers examined Mr. Hawke's so-called 'Talons of Death,'" explained Acting Under Secretary of Commerce for Intellectual Property and Acting Director of the United States Patent and Trademark Office Jon W. Dudas.

"While we don't deny the predator-like ferocity with which he applies the move to his hapless opponents -- or 'prey,' as he refers to them -- we did find that the hold bears many similarities to other submission maneuvers such as the Boston Crab and the Sharpshooter, both of which have been in the public domain for a number of decades. We also feared possible infringement lawsuits from the likes of Chris Jericho, whose Walls of Jericho was awarded a patent from our office in 1998."

"I'm really going to have to watch myself now," said WWE wrestling commentator Jerry "The King" Lawler. "I assumed the patent would go through, so I've been saying, 'Oh my God, it looks like Harrison Hawke's going for his dreaded Talons of Death, patent pending!' I'll have to get out of that habit."

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