The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Japanese Bomb Pearl Harbor Again In Retaliation For Matsui Snubs
Originally posted 11/17/2003

The Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. Again.
HONOLULU, HI - The USS Arizona memorial at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii was bombed this week by the Japanese, marking the second time in 62 years that Japan has attacked the United States. Japan's Emperor Akihito said that the bombing was in response to voters snubbing Japanese-born baseball star Hideki Matsui. Matsui narrowly lost the American League Rookie of the Year Award this week and, on Friday, was left off of the Topps All-Rookie Team altogether.

"This terrible dishonor will not stand," Akihito told a worldwide audience Friday afternoon following the surprise attack on American soil, which killed three tour guides and 27 vacationers from Iowa. "The Rookie of the Year snub was bad enough, but to leave Matsui off of the All-Rookie team in favor of such brutish, imperialistic American scum as Rocco Baldelli, Jody Gerut and Scott Podsednik is not something that the people of Japan will tolerate."

After the bombing Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig offered to name Matsui "honorary" 2003 American League Co-Rookie of the Year and let him share the award with winner Angel Berroa of Kansas City, but Akihito rejected the gesture. "I do not wish for our talented baseball ambassador Hideki Matsui to settle for a tie like a lowly, common American All-Star Game manager," the Emperor said.

Addressing a joint session of Congress, President George W. Bush decried the bombing, calling Friday, November 14 "a date that will live in infancy."

Japan also bombed the residences of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette's Bill Ballou and Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star Tribune, the two baseball writers who left Matsui off of their ballots entirely to protest the fact that Japanese baseball veterans who are playing their first year in Major League Baseball can be considered "rookies."

Nobody minded.

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