The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Barry Bonds Donates 50,000 Elbow Guards to U.S. Armed Forces
Originally posted 3/31/2003

Bonds and his stupid giant elbow pad
SAN FRANCISCO - With opening day upon us and the United States at war, superstar slugger Barry Bonds of the San Francisco Giants donated 50,000 giant padded elbow guards to U.S. and coalition armed forces overseas this week.

"I've got tons of those things," said Bonds, who in recent years has been unwilling to bat without his right elbow being heavily, some say unfairly, protected. "I used to give them out as stocking stuffers and party favors and what not, but I thought our boys over in Iraq could use them. They give me the security and peace of mind I need to stand pat in the face of 100-mile-an-hour fastballs without having to worry about getting hurt like other batters do, and like baseball players always have, so I figured they must be able to help out a soldier too."

"This is great," said Sergeant Ricardo Ortega, a paratrooper with the Army's 173rd Airborne Brigade. "I have to thank Barry Bonds for making our jobs that much easier. Look at this thing. It says here it's bulletproof, it can be used as a gas mask, it's got GPS and if you get lost in the desert you can eat it."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld lauded Bonds' donation. Speaking from the Pentagon, Rumsfeld said, "I would like to thank Barry for his generous gift in support of our fighting men and women at this difficult time in our history. The elbow guards, which are patently ridiculous in the context of a baseball game, will be put to good use on the battlefields of the Middle East."

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig also praised Bonds. "I am proud of Barry," Selig said, "and I think those elbow guards will really help out our troops. Especially since last season [Bonds] had them all reinforced with Kevlar and titanium facing, which I thought was a little extreme, but, you know, they help protect him, and the fans just love watching those home runs."

"Get outta my face," added Bonds.

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