The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Oscar De La Hoya, Al Davis Sue Each Other
Originally posted 9/22/2003

Al Davis, left, and Oscar De La Hoya explain their respective lawsuits
LOS ANGELES - Lawsuits were filed in Los Angeles County court this week by super welterweight boxer Oscar De La Hoya and Raiders owner Al Davis. De La Hoya's suit claimed that he, and not the Oakland Raiders, rightfully won the 2003 AFC Championship. Davis countersued, claiming both that he owns the rights to Being Screwed By the Referees, and that he owns exclusive control of the Los Angeles market, so De La Hoya has no right to continue residing there.

"As Mr. Davis never relinquished his ownership of the greater Los Angeles area, he has decided that Mr. De La Hoya may no longer live on what is clearly Mr. Davis' property," said Davis' cloven-hoofed attorney, swinging his three-pronged red pitchfork about the room. "Furthermore, Being Screwed By the Referees has been a patented Raiders trademark for decades now. From the 'Tuck Rule' to the 'Immaculate Reception,' nearly every well-known officiating mishap in NFL history has gone against Mr. Davis' team."

When a reporter brought up the "Holy Roller" and the "tuck rule" call that the Raiders got against Tennessee two Sundays ago, Mr. Davis' attorney engulfed him in a shower of fiery brimstone.

Meanwhile, De La Hoya addressed a press conference of his own. "The decision of the officials involved was the wrong one," De La Hoya said. "It was clearly I, and not the Oakland Raiders, who beat the Tennessee Titans in the AFC Championship game last January, as can be plainly seen on this videotape."

De La Hoya then dimmed the lights, inserted a tape into a nearby VCR, and hit "play." The video appeared to be shot with a hand-held camcorder that was pointed at a television monitor showing a tape of the Raiders-Titans game. A small cardboard cutout of De La Hoya, glued to a popsicle stick, was then held up in front of the screen in an attempt to simulate interaction with the players on TV.

"The league would like to assure everyone that the Raiders, much to our chagrin, did win the AFC title last year," said the NFL in a press release. "Also, Being Screwed By the Referees is public domain, and is not owned by Al Davis. Thank you."

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