The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Paul Konerko Finds Hitting Stroke, Weapons of Mass Destruction
Originally posted 8/11/2003

Konerko is congratulated by teammate Magglio Ordonez after finding his swing and the WMDs
CHICAGO - Chicago White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko looks to have turned his season around. After hitting an abysmal .197 with only six home runs and 22 RBI in his first 79 games Konerko, who enjoyed a breakout season in 2002, has batted .346 with seven home runs and 21 RBI in only 22 games since the July All-Star break and has clearly found his hitting stroke. Earlier this week, he also found a stockpile of hidden Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

"It was weird," Konerko said Thursday after discovering what turned out to be missiles armed with sarin, mustard and VX gasses. "I dropped my Chap-Stik, it rolled to the back of my locker, and when I reached back to get it I felt something strange. Turned out it was weapons of mass destruction."

Konerko said that while the weapons of mass destruction find came as a major surprise to him, finding his hitting stroke did not. "It's nice to have my swing back, to be feeling good hitting the ball. I can tell you that I thought I would find that eventually. I didn't expect to find rockets that Saddam Hussein had put in the White Sox clubhouse, though."

"All Americans owe Paul Konerko a debt of gratitude," said President George W. Bush this weekend from his Crawford, Texas ranch. "Especially me. Whew. There were, as I saw it, a number of compelling reasons to go to war with Iraq, but we sort of put all of our eggs in the WMD basket. That could have come back to bite me eventually. So, thanks a lot, Paul.

"And," the President continued, "thanks for helping the White Sox get back into contention. I love a good winner-take-all pennant race. You don't see them as often now, with the Wild Card. Lousy Bud Selig. Don't think we haven't got plans for him. I used to give him swirlies and Indian burns at the owners meetings when I was with the Rangers and he was with the Brewers, you know. Little nerd."

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