The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
Mattel Introduces "My First NBA Groupie"
Originally posted 7/28/2003

Mattel's "My First NBA Groupie"
EL SEGUNDO, CA - Mattel Chairman and CEO Bob Eckert announced this week that the toy manufacturer will soon debut My First NBA Groupie, a new product Eckert said "will solve a lot of the problems that we're seeing with pro basketball these days."

My First NBA Groupie, which Eckert said will be available in time for the tip-off of the 2003-2004 NBA season in October, will retail for $2,499.95 and will be available in White, Black, Latina or Asian.

"My First NBA Groupie will include a lot of features that will keep players out of trouble," Eckert said from Mattel corporate headquarters in El Segundo. "First of all, every unit will be completely unable to conceive children, as they will all have their tubes tied. And each one comes with a signed affidavit, which can be filled in and post-dated as needed, categorically denying any wrongdoing by whichever player she ends up with."

Many NBA players were thrilled with the announcement. "Finally," said Dallas Mavericks guard Steve Nash, "I won't have to worry about keeping track of who I gave my phone number to, or about scattering a ton of kids all around North America, or about what the name of the chick I wake up next to is. This is great."

Added Moochie Norris of the Houston Rockets: "Damn, she fine. This is perfect, too. No more trouble like Jordan, Kobe, Shawn Kemp, the Gold Club, all that."

"We've also seen to it," Eckert said, "that each model grew up with father figures who were frequently absent and, when they were around, were frequently abusive. Therefore, each My First NBA Groupie will be very, very interested in the sort of attention that she receives from an NBA star."

When asked about the myriad legal and ethical dilemmas involved in selling live human women, Eckert responded, "you let me worry about that." When asked how the Mattel Company could possibly justify enslaving and raising girls specifically to be receptive to the sexual advances of the professional basketball players, Eckert said, "never you mind."

Eckert was then arrested and led away in handcuffs.

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