The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
 
Bonds Takes Dose Of Bad Steroids, Turns Green, Rampages Through City
Originally posted 6/23/2003

Bonds rampages through San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO - City, state and federal authorities were powerless to stop San Francisco Giants outfielder Barry Bonds as he tore through the city on Sunday, leaving a swath of unparalleled destruction in his wake. The rampage began in the second inning of a game between the Giants and the Oakland A's when Bonds grew to twice his normal size, turned green, gave out a thunderous roar and slugged a 2,346-foot home run off of Oakland starter Ted Lilly.

"Bonds MAD!" the single-season home run record holder reportedly shouted as he swung his bat, which looked like a toothpick in his enormous green hands.

Rather than running the bases, however, Bonds rumbled into center field, burst through the outfield fence and leapt across the bay into San Francisco, where he proceeded to cause billions of dollars worth of damage to countless downtown shops, restaurants, hotels and office buildings. Officials for Oakland's Network Associates Coliseum said they planned to make the Giants pay for the fence.

"What have I done?" cried Bonds' father, Bobby, who was at the game. Bobby Bonds, who played seven of his 14 major league seasons with the Giants in the 60s and 70s, told reporters that he had been working on a new performance-enhancing steroid compound "so that my son could be even greater than I ever was." He admitted to spiking the latest dose with radioactive waste found in a dumpster outside of a science lab at UC Berkeley, however. "Barry didn't know anything about it. I told him a few years ago that the syringes I was giving him were filled with ordinary steroids, so naturally he began taking them right away. But I went too far! Barry! NOOOOOOOOO!"

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig asked fans not to jump to any conclusions following Sunday's incident. "I spoke to Barry a few minutes ago," Selig said, "and he assured me that his 15 1/2 foot size, the green skin and the superhuman strength were due to a new offseason workout program and diet regimen. I have no reason to doubt Barry, and I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt before we point any fingers."

"I would urge the citizens of San Francisco to be very careful," said mayor Willie Brown at a hastily called downtown press conference. "If you see Barry Bonds, do not approach him, do not attempt to speak to him, and above all do not agitate him. The consequences could be disastrous." When asked if he knew when or if Bonds would revert back to normal from his monstrous, green, rampaging, hulk-like form, Brown responded, "Bonds turned into a hulk? When did that happen?"

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