The Athletic Reporter
September 12, 2005 Sports News the Way You Want It. Completely Made Up. Issue 127
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Patriots Begin Another Joyless, Inevitable Super Bowl Campaign

Above: Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, seen here celebrating his team's Week 1 victory over the Oakland Raiders
FOXBORO, MA - The New England Patriots kicked off the 2005 NFL season Thursday night with a workmanlike, almost robotic 30-20 victory over the visiting Oakland Raiders. "We don't want to dwell on last season," said Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who has coached the Patriots to three of the last four Super Bowl titles, including the last two in a row.

"We want to make this year's march to the Super Bowl title as joyless as it is inevitable," said Belichick. "After all, what good is winning Super Bowl titles if you're going to do something silly like enjoy them?"

"We're not thinking about last year," said Patriots defensive lineman Richard Seymour. "Mostly because Coach Belichick won't let us. I mean, at all."

Roger Federer Injects Testicle With Cancer in Desperate Bid For Stateside Media Coverage

NEW YORK - U.S. Open tennis champion and world No. 1 Roger Federer injected himself with testicular cancer this week in a desperate bid to attract some stateside media attention. "Maybe if I get testicular cancer, and then get cured, and then win seven straight titles, people will pay attention to me in this country," said Federer, who at 24 has won six Grand Slam tournaments and sports a 23-0 record in finals over the last two years.

Twins Fan Starting To Think It Might Actually Be the White Sox's Year

MOUND, MN - Twins fan Aaron Kehl, 23, revealed to friends this week that he's starting to think that, as much as it kills him to admit it, 2005 might actually be the Chicago White Sox's year. "As much as I hate to say it," Kehl told fellow Twins fans Friday, "it's looking like the White Sox could end up taking the Central this year." The Twins were in third place at press time, 14 games behind the White Sox and eight games behind the wild card-leading Cleveland Indians.


Bob Geldof Organizes Worldwide Concert to Get Roger Clemens Some Run Support

"Yep, You Got Me! I Hate Black People," Admits Jeff Kent

Fantasy Football Player No Longer Fooling Self Into Thinking He Isn't a Nerd

Barry Bonds To Return; Pedro Gomez Taken Out of Cryogenic Storage

SAN FRANCISCO - With All-Star slugger Barry Bonds slated to return to the San Francisco Giants lineup this week, ESPN has announced that it has released reporter Pedro Gomez from the cryogenic storage tank he was placed in when it became evident that Bonds would miss most, of not all, of the 2005 season due to knee injuries. Gomez extensively covered Bonds' every move for ESPN during spring training.

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